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Inner Voice : Alright so what do we wear? Is this like a formal date? Penis : Who cares, it's all going on the floor. Know why? Because someone is gonna touch me today!!

Lee's Oriental Massage Private Bath and Spa is a dead giveaway that you're about to walk in to a massage parlor where yes, sex is literally on the table.

Picture a wild animal walking into a rave—that's your inspiration for the entire time you're at the parlor. Look around aimlessly—the walls, the ceiling, the floor, anything but the girls working.

When you're finally approached and asked if you want a massage , you should simply grunt, nod your head, and continue to look around. Sometimes you'll be asked if you have ever been to a massage parlor before, in which case you should say no and don't really know how this works.

You will be asked how long you want the massage to be, and the secret here is to be as frugal as possible. Pick the lowest price, because that's just the money that goes to the owner pimp ; the girls make money from tips.

Don't try to be suggestive at this point, because you're just going to come off looking like an idiot, and God forbid the escort doesn't respect you.

When the girl leads you to the room, she'll tell you she needs to go get ready and you should undress and lay down. Take off everything except your boxers and lay face-down and wait for the girl to come back.

Inner Voice : Wow, this place is disgusting, why is the air so damp? Do I want to know? Penis : Alright, I see ladies.

Lots of cleavage too, I'm getting up for this. Inner Voice : Cool it, act nonchalant, we're being approached.

Whore : Hey there, are you interested in a massage? You : Um…yeah sure. I'll just take the half hour massage, what does that include?

Whore : It includes a massage…that's all we do here, is give massages. Penis : Giggidy! This is the most important part of the procedure.

When the girl walks in, you should be relaxed; the fact that you're face down should hide your raging erection caused by the low-cut top she is wearing.

As she starts giving you the most half-assed back massage ever, start the small talk with her. Talk about where she's from, where you're from, really anything other than her milking your cock.

She should pick up on the fact that you really are a rookie at this and will go about explaining the price to you, probably with some sort of happy ending code words.

Inner Voice : Good question, I'm getting tired of listening to her talk about her haircut. Whore : So, do you want me to touch…down there?

Penis : Jackpot! Ask her to give you a verbal menu, how much everything costs and what you get for the price.

At this point she'll either encourage you to get more money or simply do the job right there because of the rapport you guys have built up.

Most likely, though, she'll want more money. Tell her you're broke and make up another story about how your pet just died or you just sent all of your money to a Nigerian prince.

If this fails immediately make sure you display the twenty dollar bill. Escorts aren't like normal humans because their senses are trained to recognize the sight and smell of money and they become physically stimulated by it, causing them to throw caution to the wind.

Getting a creative groomed one is my preference. I will repeat before heading north. Sometimes you'll even see a man comment that [he] thinks [the woman] might be compelled into this, that she looked like she didn't want to do it.

Naturally, mongers have their own language, apparently designed to subvert law enforcement. A glossary of monger slang on RubMaps details an extensive coded language, including expected terms like "FOB" and "mama-san," but also "babyback" for "petite, young attractive Asians," and "Italian" for "penis rubbing between buttchecks.

It even goes before the paycheck in some cases. When we go massage parlors, these needs get taking care of.

They will tend to our needs with no strings attached. Mongering sites have "helped tremendously with guys looking for info on where they are going, provided you are willing to wade through the bullshit," one prolific massage-parlor blogger, who would refer to himself only as Spanky, told me in an email.

But Spanky added that the sites could be unwelcoming to those outside of the mongering community. A lot of what is being asked has been answered so many times that the old-timers get tired of seeing it and turn inward instead of remembering how they at one point were new themselves.

You must grovel for real help or be vouched by someone. If not, good luck. But even for amateurs, the sites make it remarkably easy to find a local erotic massage parlor, lowering the barrier of entry for a new crop of men with disposable cash and an hour to spare.

A quick search on RubMaps revealed 90 open erotic massage parlors in Brooklyn, at least 10 of which were in walking distance to my apartment.

Interested to see what goes on inside the parlors, and perhaps get a glimpse of the famous table showers that mongers rave about in their forums, I selected Oasis Spa, which had gotten decent reviews and which users described as "clean and friendly," and walked over on a Sunday afternoon.

At first, the place looked closed, despite RubMaps' promise that it would be open until midnight seven days a week. The door was locked, and the windows were boarded up, although I could see dim mood lighting behind the screens.

After a couple of knocks, though, a suspicious middle-aged Korean woman answered the door and reluctantly let me in. The parlor was quiet, with a bed right in the front room and four closed doors along the hallway.

Human trafficking aside, it seemed like a decent place for a massage, although there were no cash registers—or customers—in sight.

But apparently, Oasis Spa is interested in neither women nor reporters, because, when I asked about a massage, the woman told me that she didn't understand English and proceeded to force me back onto the street.

My experience aside, the openness with which the mongering community discusses these massage parlors—and with which the parlors themselves offer their services—is surprising when you consider that most of these places are viewed as fronts for prostitution by law enforcement.

While non-sexual massage parlors are usually regulated by state and local public health codes, the addition of a hand job is usually interpreted as solicitation, even if sex itself isn't on the menu.

The extent to which massage parlors are involved in sex trafficking is largely unclear. Most of the women working in the parlors are smuggled into the country illegally from China, Korea, Thailand, and other Asian countries and are forced to use their tips to pay off exorbitant snakehead debts.

The setup puts the erotic massage parlor trade squarely in the gray area of sex trafficking, with law enforcement unable to determine which women are being coerced into performing sex acts in massage parlors and which women are having sex with customers voluntarily.

Even in the absence of looser prostitution laws, law enforcement officials are opting not to waste resources on busting ostensibly consenting adults who decide to trade sex behind closed doors, said Dank, the lead researcher of the Urban Institute report.

As a result, federal and local law enforcement agencies still know very little about the way that Asian massage parlors operate, except that the networks are highly organized and adept at stashing their money.

Officials quoted in the study described a nationwide network of massage-parlor operators who bring women into Flushing, Queens, or Los Angeles, and then rotate them through various AMPs in Atlanta, Seattle, Denver, and across the Midwest.

Whereas Atlanta has the SEC championship going on, they'll have more girls come here. Meanwhile, the money earned by the parlors is eventually wired overseas, making the networks difficult to trace.

It's a "very similar scheme you can see across all of the major cities around the country.

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